Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
A man of commitment.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When the stylist spins you back around
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn