MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.