*praying for world peace*
God:
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
moms in horror movies
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.