Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Going into Monday like
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Coffee for people with no kids
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.