May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no