My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Duolingo getting serious.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?