suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”