Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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eggs benadryl
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.