so this horse walks into a bar
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.