“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.