My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady