Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
You Might Also Like
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Bless you
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
23. the denim jacket
Word!
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
fair
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.