If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”