When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
accurate
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft