I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.