Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.