I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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i smell a pulitzer
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening