Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.