A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?