birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one