60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Monday
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.