Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
You Might Also Like
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.