hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.