Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93