“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.