Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much