Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby