George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“I FIXED IT!”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc