me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
You Might Also Like
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
SPLOOT
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.