I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
can’t catch a break
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
sigh