My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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same energy
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
i really liked this one
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi