Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.