Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Yup
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I am crying
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us