What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
i choose….tongue
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.