I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I feel seen.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you