What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.