Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me if I was a dog
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks