Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.