I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
There is no “we” in chocolate.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Just grow your own
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???