Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
i think we should see other cousins
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.