Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA