They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”