even bears disappoint their mothers
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
How dude HOW?!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”