It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
eggs benadryl
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.