If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.