[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…