Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
dude it’s called proctologist
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.