Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool