Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.