Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents